Letters to the love of my life

 Hi there,

I have no clue what I’m doing, and I have never done this before. Please bear with me.

Actually, I lied. I did this once when I was 12. It was a long Facebook message. She was my first love and she preferred we remained friends.

You know how you keep thinking about something over and over again, and somehow your brain tricks you into believing it is true?

We’ve never talked before. I said hi to you a couple of times but you never said it back. You just stared at me until I felt like a creep and ran away with my tail between my legs. But then the next day, we stumbled into each other on the staircase and you smiled at me. I was too flustered to react. I thought you hated me.

So my brain was indecisive. Just like teenage girls deciding on their feelings by peeling a flower, I had a different answer every time I thought about it. Does she like me? If she didn’t, why did she stare at me for so long? If she actually liked me, why didn’t she say hi back?

It’s a loop.

At this point it’s gone beyond a crush into something like ... obsession? Is that a creepy word to use?

How else would I describe what I’m feeling?

Why is it that the first thing I do when I step into the office is subtly check your cubicle ?

Why do I have this compulsion to look your way every few minutes, as if to reassure myself that you’re still there? Or checking if you’ll randomly look back at me?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as pretty as you. You’re so beautiful. Sometimes I have a hard time accepting that something so beautiful could be from this world.

How do I explain my heart beating out of my chest when you’re near me? How do I describe how self-conscious I feel when I walk near you?

My biggest fear is bothering you or giving you the impression that I’m a creep. That is why I’m not signing this letter with my name. Sorry, I’m a bit of a pussy.

You probably gathered who I am anyway, right? I stare at you all the time, surely you’ve realized.

So what’s the point of all this, I guess?  Am I expecting you to make the first move here? Probably not, but could you just... give me a hint?  Or tell me to fuck off and that this is all in my head?

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Hey again,

I haven’t heard anything from you in the past few weeks. I mean, I get it. You’re probably really busy with the end of year performances coming up and all. It’s all good.

It’s probably my fault. A better writer would’ve found the right words to make you understand.

Two weeks ago, I was coming back up from my lunch break and you were making yourself coffee. I walked by you and accidentally made eye contact. You stopped what you were doing and stared right back at me.

You know how in movies; time slows down during important moments? Well, for me, time just stopped. I would have given my left kidney at that moment just to figure out what those cool grey eyes were trying to tell me. My knees almost gave out.

I cannot put into words the range of emotions I went through as we looked at each other. It was surreal, unlike anything I’ve experienced in my 30 years on this planet.

You looked at me for five seconds, and then you casually went back to making your coffee. I have done nothing but think about that brief, fleeting moment of pure heavenly bliss.

Could you just talk to me? Or leave a note? Anything? The ambiguity is killing me.

My thoughts are flooded with images of you. Of us. There are so many things I want to talk to you about. So many experiences I want us to experience together. God, I can’t stop thinking about you.

Maybe you don’t even know who I am. Maybe all those little moments were just you spacing out, and I imagined everything. 

That would explain why you never responded. You wouldn’t know who to respond to..

Embarrassing, but plausible. I still don’t think I’ll sign this letter (I want to give myself some plausible deniability in case I need to protect the little shred of dignity I have left). Instead I’ll leave you with two hints. From your cubicle you have a pretty good view of me. And I’ll be wearing green t-shirts for the rest of the week.

Please. Get back to me.

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So… Hi.

It’s been a few months.

I hope this isn’t awkward, but can I ask why you never responded?

I get that you don’t like confrontations, but a simple answer would’ve been enough.

The idea that I’m bothering you terrifies me, otherwise I would have approached you much sooner.

Are you ignoring me? Did I somehow hurt you? I feel like you never pay attention to me anymore.

Please tell me. I can fix it. I can do anything for you.

I left you some flowers at your place. Did you find them? I know how much you like white roses, so I added some in there. I hope you enjoyed them.

It took me a while to find out where you live. I hope you don’t think I’m creepy for that, I just felt you would feel weird about finding roses on your desk where a lot of prying eyes could see.

You’ve been working late lately. I noticed that tall guy from security always walks you to your car. Who is he to you? Are you two dating or something? Haha, I hope not. :)

Anyway, since you’ve been working so late, I figured you could use some freshly cooked food after your shift! I may not look like it, but I’m an incredible chef. You’ll find it on your table tonight.

Oh, and maybe don’t keep your spare keys under the doormat. Someone with bad intentions could find them.

Please get back to me. I’m not some sort of creep who can’t take no for an answer. Just talk to me, alright?

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Hi love,

You probably weren’t expecting to hear from me again, were you?

Do you have any idea how hurt I was after you just stopped showing up for work?

Everyone could see on my face that something was very wrong, but what could I say?

How do you put into words that your soulmate, the love of your life, just suddenly vanished ?

I was terrified something bad had happened. I was so sick, I couldn’t eat for days without throwing up.

I tried looking for you at your place, but your car wasn’t there. So I waited. For a very. long. time. 

Imagine my surprise when I saw the new tenants moving in.

Imagine my heartbreak.

Is that something you’re capable of? Empathy, I mean? Or are you just a self-centred slut who is incapable of relating to others?

In any case. It’s all in the past. I forgive you.

I’m much better now. Especially after I finally found you.

Can I just say, that your hair looks so much better now that it’s blonde? It just fits you like a glove.

And… Your name is Aya now for some reason? That’s so random, haha. Did you lose some bet that made you change your name? That made it really hard to find you!

But we’re finally going to be reunited after all this time. God, I’m so excited.

I just had a brilliant idea to celebrate this. Why not go on a trip together? You obviously had some sort of traumatic experience that made you want to leave town and start fresh, right? You can tell me about it! Everyone agrees that I’m a very good listener.

By the time you find this letter on your bed, I’ll be in your dining room. My van is outside. Don’t worry, I already packed your things.

I won’t take no for an answer. I’ll drag you screaming if I need to! You need this trip!

I just want to help.

With love,

Your soulmate.