A guide to life

Just be yourself!

People will like you for who you are.  

Some are more likeable than others, though. Attractive people, for example.

Sometimes you feel confused. Overwhelmed. Most things don't make sense. You don't seem too sure about anything.

During these times, your thoughts might wander, and you might think about how you are living in a floating sphere in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. It can get a little weird to think about such delicate matters.

That's no good.

Don't strain yourself. The key is to simply be yourself.

- "But, revered and award-winning author, I don't know what that means. My existence is shaped by others in every single aspect of my life. My thoughts, my feelings, everything is predetermined by circumstances outside of my control. I don't control anything about myself. I feel like a passenger on a plane with a drunk pilot. Do I even have a self if I'm not the one in charge? How could I be myself in that case? "

Yes, I hear you, dear confused reader. Luckily for you, this guide was tailor-made for losers just like you.

If you don’t know how to be yourself, all you have to do is copy what others around you do.

Most people own some sort of house where they secretly wallow in their misery without prying eyes. Let’s start with that.

Of course, you won’t be able to afford a house right away, so let’s get you started with a 30-year mortgage. It sounds complicated but it really isn’t.

All you have to do is pay a certain amount every single month for 30 years. And then you’ll be able to own your own house just in time for your retirement party. Very cool. Capitalism is a wonderful system and we sure are thrilled about dedicating our lives to consuming things.

Before all that though, we need to set you up with a job. Office jobs are the most common. All you need to do is show up 5 days a week from 8 to 5, sit you ass down on a desk, type some random words on a computer, nod and pretend you know what you’re doing, spend 2 additional hours permuting from and to work, and, voilà!

You'll spend the entirety of your existence making plans for a weekend you'll be too tired to enjoy. But that's okay, office jobs are the norm. Everybody is doing it, therefore it is a completely natural and healthy thing for us humans to do.

We'd like to reiterate once again our appreciation for the wonders of capitalism.

Before you can get an office job and join the rest of us on this utopian adventure, you'll need to pass an interview.

In addition to being yourself, make sure to pretend that you’re confident and know all the answers to life. Have a calm and composed demeanor. Use overly complicated corporate words. Tell them it was a "substantial meeting".

Smile and nod when your interviewer also responds with corporate jargon of their own. Repeat often how you are a team player.

Now that we got these pesky details out of the way, next up is setting you up with a family. To do this, you first need to find a partner who is willing to tolerate your existence for a bit.

You know the rhythm by now.

Be assertive and strong. Show her your muscles or something. Prove to her that you can defend your family. Show her your push-up technique.

Yes, we understand that deep down, you are a confused child who has no idea what they’re doing. But nobody will be attracted to a child. Jordan Peterson said so, therefore it must be true. That is why, like with most other things, it is essential that you pretend to be more confident than you really are.

Be nice and respectful, but not too nice. Nobody likes a "simp". Make sure that you behave like a complete dick sometimes. Throw a sharp pillow at her or something.

Be calm but not too calm. Make sure you can show some sort of emotion from time to time. Show her your vulnerable side, but don’t show too much. You don't want her to figure you out for the loser that you are. She’d just leave you for someone who is better at pretending than you.

And we don't want that, do we?

All right, now let's get you a couple of friends, shall we?

Most people are aware of the fact that they are a self-conscious bag of meat, with a body so complex and so self-efficient that nobody has a clue why it acts the way it does. Most people don’t like to think about those things. Therefore, it is widely considered an impolite thing to remind others of the futility of their existence. Instead, you should repeatedly remind them that the sun is nice outside

If you’re on your late twenties or early thirties, here is a list of recommended subjects:

- Ask them if they found too much traffic on the way. Listen solemnly and nod with a grave expression. Include a dramatic sigh or two.

- Complain about the rising costs of everything. Be extra passionate about this one.

- Remark that it hasn’t rained in a while. Subtly imply that it's because people have been sinning lately.

We hope you found these tips helpful. We know it all sounds complicated, but if you must take one single thing from this, let it be this:

Just be yourself, man.